ME? Opinionated?

I have always been opinionated but I don't recall the need to shove it down someone Else's throat. (beat them with it but not shove it...)This method of persuasion just gags me and irritates me. Here we are another opportunity to vote and let our voices be heard. However, some of the voices i hear are loud, mean, cold and ugly. taking a doll from a girl and hitting her with it as i wanted it and did not think she needed to have it... I remember as a toddler, begging at the door that daddy take us with him and not leave us here - i even said i was a good little girl... (under the age of 3) I remember as a very young child making choices because i thought "this looked better here than there" and that 'that' girls had no rights to my doll(3-4) Almost 50 years of choice making and its still a 50/50 deal... thinking with this much practice and life experience i would have 75/25 or better... no I'm not, I am still trying... sometimes mouth gets a head of brain and they don't work together but that just means i am young at heart and still practicing... I have learned to hold my tongue when i don't agree with others.... i prefer to agree to disagree.. than to fight. Voting has become more of the lesser of two evils and or who slings the less mud. A few new partys have recently emerged that are worth looking into.... meanwhile the votes are in and being counted and relief sets in as the adds begin to fall off the radio and tv screen... only for a couple of years...

Mom

mom where are you? i have been looking everywhere i know you are real because i am here you are not here and i know you hurt time may have eased some of your pain hardening you to not look when they took me they took all three of us your heart must have broken your life changed so much no longer a mother no children to dress or wash or feed i do not hate you i understand plenty i hope you are ok in your life with out us there 1974

memories

memories it is so easy to feel lonely in a crowd yet it not so easy to feel part of a crowd when you are alone when the blues set in and no one answers their phone everyone is busy with out you invite them all in and get warm and cozy remember your favorite times people, smells and places it is easy on the gas take and no meals to prepare no house cleaning to do they are going to care no suit case to pack or being kept up to date when you are ready send them back no rudeness to worry about or lack of bathroom space your visitors never over stay their welcome escape the pressures of today and enjoy your visits and travels... with out leaving home or how your hosting rates

memories

memories ribbons of memories take me back to places I have been before leading down paths awaking emotions I once felt clouds of laughter pool of tears ponds that ripple the pain fields of fragrance encircling security oh memories experience remembrance memory = a place that awakens emotions of left behind experiences.

Love Grows

love grows the seed of bitterness and hate you have planted into our lives has fallen on barren ground tears of love wont let it grow the strength of two choke out your evil if wisdom could have been a factor plans of destructions verses honesty would have taken a different route after defeat foul is cried loudly escape is made with tail tucked your absence and distance time progresses memories are tainted with pain it all moves aside faith enters

Lost Loves - the Pain

lost loves- the pain lost loves (the pain) we were friends and lovers foolish and careless selfish and wrong stubborn and sure we hurt ourselves and others were we really in love or really lovers to each other did we just want to love ourselves?

Loosing a Part of Me

losing a part of me how do you say good bye to someone you shared with comfort, survival, nourishment the miles we have traveled search for a safe haven things will always remind me taking me back a certain kind of sadness washes my eyes some one i have known all of my life the desire to transcend into someone else free of the running to find love a friendship that is real we agreed to go our separate ways it is best where ever my road of healing takes me i am sorry you have been hurt thank you for the times you’ve held me i must go and discover a new world I’d like to believe what we have been through has shaped us for the better creating better people.

Lists

lists i make lists of to dos groceries chores wants plans and goals ideas i once had dreams that are not realistic i loose lists paper ones ones on the computer ones pasted to the bulletin board i find them after they are already done money is all gone out of date finding them too late throw them away i make a new list

Just another writer

just another writer lost in self illusions dreams and fantasies confusing love with desires foolish and selfish other suffer because of my pride reliving my childhood locking self into a used youth trying to grow with in limits wondering why growth is so slow

Life Shines

Life shines Dark Cold Loud Claps Cracking Bolts Of Thunder Shake Our Soul Many Transparent Figures Escort In flight With Warm Wonderful Welcome Home The Song Bird Spread The News Another Soul Received another life has changed

Life

life life really begins if only you knew my heart is breaking knowing what I have done and what I must do trying not to let the hurt show and the guilt eat at me in fear of shame (of what? Guilt?) I must let go of you To search for a place Where thoughts of you will fade Trying not to look over my shoulder Thoughts in time Should ease the pain and fear And the memories of you

Later Now

later, now I am not concerned about my past But for my day-to-day survival If I lived my past It would kill me sooner with sorrow Then later with guilt I am thankful for your absence Time now to begin the healing Dealing with the memories Shall relieve the pain New growth shall begin Rebuilding to learn Who I am

Janee's Song - answer to Johnnys Song by Steve Mason

Janee’s song written the day i learned of Steve mason’s death. his poetry “Johnny’s song” and “the wall” means so much to so many. Steve and i were in correspondence over a 12-year period about how ptsd that was experienced by soldiers was parallel of the ptsd experienced by children of abuse and molestation, people of rape and other “control” and “sexual crimes. When i wrote him a letter in 05, this poem was to be included. My letter was too late. a great literary talent has moved on.Steve Mason, r.i.p. Janee’e song the story of her childhood stripped of its’ purity the “game” is over her innocence was murdered her purity on that very spot a monument to her childhood left behind there is no monument for offenders which others can see nor a count for each offence when all is protected by silence the same of what woulda, coulda or shoulda been she builds her wall with in do you tell her how sorry you are, to hear her story of demise? do you dare? have you been there? the names on her wall are on the inside like road signs that interrupt her memories staring her in the face written in innocent shed blood guarded by self preservation and fear don’t you dare tell her you understand, if you don’t carry the scars don’t tell her to forget it and move on she’ll add your name to her wall she is a survivor though her child self has been killed cold blooded, premeditated she builds her own wall to the survivors of rape and incest.

IS

Is is there love and life after this pain? Is strength enough to defuse suffocation and loneliness? Is needing companionship worth it? Is there one who is willing to give With out callousness and bitterness One who would remind of beauty, want and need? Is there a gift of love for healing? For protection? Is there one who would support in the days ahead? Is there really one out there For better or worse?

Inside Out

Inside out my nose pressed against the window my breath steams the view it looks warm and cozy comfortable and friendly then why am I out here? No one made me stay out here No one forced me to leave Do I really want back in? But why? Why did I leave? I am awol, regrouping My friends called me out My heart needed time to tie a few strings Mind wanted to know the relief of nothingness Soul begged to air to inflate Esteem could not take much more mashing Yet my fingers don’t want to turn that handle My gut full of sorrow, body is cold and tired While my shell begs for mercy, I debate preparing for battle Do I surrender by returning to the hot zone? Or stand out here and freeze to death? Risking my safety Back to no mans land Damned or be damned

Images

Images it was an image an illusion searching for a peacefulness something, someone, somewhere blinded by desire guided by selfishness it saw something that wasn’t really there knowing inside it was existing in the past reliving a memory make it come true attain feeling it with all of me no, not just a dream an image of a man I new so long ago An illusion of a knight Wearing shining armor The discomforts of reality Am I sad it was over?, Gone from me?, Nay The pain is here now Even though it is great It will be gone with time In healing the memory Will fade Like the memory of a dream It is over

If Only You Knew

If only you knew if only you knew how often I sit here just a wondering how you are I have your number stored in my heart I have thought of you so often Yet, no matter how hard I try I can’t seem to find the courage To check on you To make sure you are all right I stare into my drink Wondering if you ever think of me I miss you I wander the path of memory I feel the tears in my eyes When we said good-bye I figured it was forever My heart was breaking And still aches for you Knowing it was for the best I really should be there Sharing in your life But how do I tell you I was wrong If only you knew what I go through If you only knew

I think It safe

I think it safe i think it safe to believe you would not have done those harmful things if you had known me along time ago in our youth there was so much we did not know Whatever reason no matter the season i think of you how you changed m7y life i wish i could know you were not harming others letting feeling be good when i think of you mile and years feelings of fear still cold and painful but not for me for those around you though my healing has begun i work to forgive yet i will never forget i gather my loved ones around me knowing you can not harm them praying for those you still charm

I must go

i must go I am learning to set the memories of you free I must move on Give my best to those there You are not the person I once knew Someone almost evil now grew to trust and love you The at person is now long gone Why did you change Or did I get to know the real you? I pray that I’ll meet The good person I have known you are And the evil part is dead or gone For the unanswered questions I bid them good bye, For one final time.

I miss you

i miss you as I wander along the golden path of memory I see the tears in your eyes When we said good-bye We thought you were leaving for good My heart was breaking even then

Hope

Hope i hoped you would be here this time would be real that you would me to stay i hoped we would have a love to last a life time best of friends though hope never dies with or with out you my hoe will go on you still are not here no matter what i do or try my heart still hopes for lover for your where ever you are one day we’ll be together the loneliness just a faded memory

Hindsight

Hindsight 20/20 hindsight teach lessons learned share the feeling of care be yourself have no regrets for at heavens gate change is too late.

heavens Gate

heavens gate a guiding light a fleeting thought a penny earned a battle well fought a life well lived a plan is the goal a circle of life

Gravel & Memories

gravel
and memories

out
with the old          in with the new

an
old man died a year ago toady

celebration
of his life and work

lays
in a heap of rubble fifteen feet high

a
house that use to be a home

where
he was raised          like his parents
before him

his
children after

a
home kept with love

hands
of care and concern

it
was auctioned off

only
a month after his death

sold
off to strangers

his
heritage

children
with forty thousand dollar sign in their eyes

to
remove any and all proof       he ever
existed

a
lottery for change?/progression?

When
we remove all evidence

Of
history

How
can we see and know

how
far we have come              and where
are we going

does
it not matter he really existed?,

Or
the land was homesteaded by his grandfathers?

Does
no one have pride from where they came?

The
blood, sweet and tears that created that home?

Are
we so ashamed of what has become of us,

When
we age that nothing is preserved?

The
house is no longer a heap

It

has been removed

Hauled
away in dump trucks

In
its place

Gravel

A
lot and a half of cold hard reality

Amazing
what change brings

What
time brings

Is
it really for the best?

1992,
n nelson st Spokane wa

Good Morning

Good
morning

Good
morning Lord                                              I
said

Good
morning child                                              he
said

Thank
you  for the beautiful sunset last night                    I replied

Your
welcome, I wanted your attention             
     he said

Why?                                                          
I asked

I
know your to-do list and I am not on it                        he said

Oh
                                     (not
knowing what to say,

feeling guilty and uncomfortable

I tried to change the subject)

So
Lord whatcha gonna do today?                     I
asked him

Love you more than yesterday                   He said without hesitation

GoodBye

goodbye

i
admire your strength

to
speak out with bold honesty

you
tell of experience

showing
scars

you
paint your past as dark

but
the heron there is you

in
real beauty

your
voice is kind with compassion

understanding
cushions the reality of pain

in
which many of us carry

i
am pleased you have chosen

to
share and help

how
you have changed from survivorship

to
really living

you
express what we feel

with
out the fear of actions and words

your
strength is amazing

you
have traveled so far

thanks
for reaching out

speaking,
sharing

what
we all feel.

Goodbye

Goodbye

i
would have liked to say good-bye

to express my thanks for all

that has been done, said and shared

none
of us knew it would be this soon

tell
those who cared

for
they should know

tell
them with love on your lips

a
song in your heart

and
tears only in your mind

be
glad that i do not suffer

for
the body is gone

and
the soul and spirit walk golden streets

i
have no regrets or complaints

of
the peacefulness here

do
not cry for me because i am gone

be
glad in the life i had

i
am walking with our lord

we
will be with you

through
each new dawn

grandma
hash past away

Gone A Wandering

gone
a wandering

oh
yes, I have gone a wandering

through
the corners of my mind

its
a daily travel down the path of  this
life traveler

just
another life in time

peering
through windows of time

in
my cobwebbed mind

floating
down the river of memories

trying
to grasp just a few moments

of
each day

I
did not see through the eyes of tomorrow

because
I could not get past today

I
see trails of memories

as
I experienced each

it jumps in and throws itself in the corner

piling
itself with the others

my
how the pile seems to get bigger

 and never shrinking

I
see that I am alone

again,
still

gee,
am I lost? where did everyone go

why
am I alone?

I
hear their laughter, the music

but
I see no one, I am alone

as
far as they can see

the
ear hears nothing

the
heart listens intently to no one there

no
I have not chose to be just like them

I
have chosen to go my way

cut
my own path in the world

I
have not chosen to go it alone

I
was abandoned

I
trod onward and continue to grow

seeking
out this lady that lives with in

not
just the mom and friend

but
the tender woman, soft adventurous

wandering
through the corners of my mind

peering
into windows

to
see if she has come home...

Thank
God for a new chance at life to create change.

this
life in time God granted a child and survival of cancer

may
she (my child) never truly understand

what
my childhood was all about.

Going Back

going
back

i
am going back

to
a place i remember

a
time that was mine

a
feeling of comfort

a
need that all have

a
want that is fulfilled

if
only for a moment

in
my mind

on
the memory train

First Ten

first
ten

your
companionship is very special to me

we
have grown close

to
depend on each other

there are so many things I love about you

the
warmth you give

our
balance and support

a
toast to us

for
courage and endurance

may
the next ten be no worse than

the
best of the last ten.

Fight or Flight

fight
or flight

is
the children happiness we fight for?

sacrificing
our own

we
allow the material things

to
weigh us down

all
we have earned

we
guard with our lives

weightlessness
allows the freedom

weightlessness
gives flight

love
gives happiness

compromise
where you can as long

as
you don’t compromise yourself

or
your beliefs

accepted
differences where they really are and agree to disagree

1993

Fantasies (dreams)

fantasies

(dreams)

this
is a place in which I visit

keeping
reality livable

it
is a place

I
can lay my cares down

Forget
my pains and worries

Drop
my pocket of responsibilities

Tare
up my list of things to do

Pick
up my securities

Without
inhibitions in hand

Making
things happen

My
dreams and ideas coming true

This
is my world

I
created it…

In
my sleep

Family

family

we
buried one

a
few days around my birthday

we
buried one

a
few days around our child’s birthday

we
buried one a few days around Christmas

the
most common ties in the death or missing

usually
around someone’s

celebration
of birth

yet
the times these loved ones go

are
missed the most are times of celebration

the
good of those lost is remembered

their
history and heritage

heed
the warnings and lessons

from
their lives

love
them forever

for
they are family

Embrace

Embrace

embrace
remembrance

memory

i.e.

history

today
is a day

to
remember to do

tomorrow
better

praise
is the result of prayer

always?

Dreams

Dreams

You
can see it

If
you close your eyes

You
can touch it

But
it has no feeling

You
can hear it

But
only alone

You
can start it

But
you cant cause it

You
can remember it

But
you can’t know it

It
is never over

It
had no beginning

It
is never exact

It
is not an image

Nor
an illusion

Where
did it go when I awoke?

Why
does it disappear from view?

Why
must I loose the thrill of it?

Do I Dare Dream

do i dare dream?

do
i dare?

dream?

for
the way we were

do
i dare dream?

for
the day we are united

do
i dare dream?

all
of us as a family

do
i dare dream?

of
ever finding you

Do I Dare?

do
I dare?

Wish
for the hand of time be reversed

To
any point in time?

Nay

For
the lessons learned

The
experiences I have survived

a
dark void where memory belongs

a
mystery I shish not to deal with

a
special growth

life
I may have missed out on

the
lesson I learned gave me strength

the
experiences gave me wisdom

the
dark void would cause regret and confusion

a
mystery I don’t dare wish to solve

to
not redo mistakes is a pet peeve

I
care not to caress.

Dear Friend

although
I did not know you

and
we never met

I
will miss you

you
were genteel and kind

touching
so many lives

in
your own special way

you
achieved your goal

leaving
your mark in time

though
thoughtfulness

leaving
comfort and consideration

no
act of congress

but
an act of god in your heart

giving
warmth to all you reached

goodbye
hear friend

that
you for touching my life

through
your mother

a
dear sweet life long friend.

Courage

Courage

you
gave me the courage

to
do what I felt

you
gave me my sensuality back

time
and space to figure out my life

our
relationship is special to me

it
doest matter what I go through

you
are always there

you
are a real part of me

I
can’t seem to let go

I
have learned to share with you

My
life lessons

Experiences
you do not understand

You
continue to listen

You
don’t laugh at me

Or
ridicule

You
support my growth

You
tell a story rare and precious

Without
you

there
may not have been a me

because
of your love

you
help tell the story

one
of survivorship

pioneerism,

heroism

success

happiness

security
and love

dedication
and truth

a
story about me

the
story that becomes

you